Flying Monkeys: How Narcissists Use Others to Manipulate You
“Sometimes, the narcissist isn’t the one hurting you directly—it’s their entourage doing the dirty work.”
This is the insidious tactic of flying monkeys. Named after the obedient minions of the Wicked Witch in The Wizard of Oz, flying monkeys are people who act on the narcissist’s behalf to manipulate, control, or punish you. They might not even realize they’re being used, but their actions can wreak havoc on your emotional well-being.
If you’ve ever wondered how narcissists manage to keep the chaos swirling long after you’ve stepped away, the answer often lies in these accomplices. Let’s break it down: who they are, why narcissists use them, and how you can protect yourself from their influence.
1. Who Are the Flying Monkeys?
Flying monkeys come in all forms—family members, friends, coworkers, or even mutual acquaintances. They’re often people who are loyal to the narcissist and willing to carry out their wishes, whether knowingly or unknowingly.
Some flying monkeys are clueless. They genuinely believe the narcissist’s sob story and think they’re helping. Others are more complicit, enjoying the drama or relishing the opportunity to put you in your place.
The Key Traits of Flying Monkeys:
They take the narcissist’s side without question.
They carry messages, spread rumors, or guilt-trip you into compliance.
They may confront or harass you directly on the narcissist’s behalf.
2. Why Narcissists Rely on Flying Monkeys
Narcissists rarely like to get their hands dirty. Confrontation, when it exposes their own flaws, isn’t their game. That’s where the flying monkeys come in.
Using others to do their bidding allows narcissists to:
Maintain control: By sending a third party, they keep you in the chaos without risking their reputation.
Avoid accountability: If the situation blows up, they can claim innocence—“I had nothing to do with it!”
Isolate you: Flying monkeys make you doubt yourself and feel cornered, further breaking down your support system.
Example: A narcissistic ex might tell a mutual friend how “unreasonable” you’ve been, prompting that friend to reach out and guilt you into reconciling. Meanwhile, the narcissist stays safely in the background, pulling the strings.
3. How Flying Monkeys Operate
Flying monkeys rely on manipulation tactics like guilt, gaslighting, or even intimidation to wear you down. Their goal? To get you to conform to the narcissist’s narrative.
Here’s how they might show up in your life:
The Messenger: “He’s really upset. Can’t you just apologize to smooth things over?”
The Gossip: “She told me everything you did. I can’t believe you would treat her like that.”
The Enforcer: “You need to stop being so dramatic and just move on.”
What You Need to Know: Flying monkeys often bring a distorted version of reality, designed to manipulate your emotions. Recognize this for what it is—a calculated strategy, not the truth.
4. How to Protect Yourself from Flying Monkeys
Dealing with flying monkeys is exhausting, but you can protect yourself with clear boundaries and strategic action.
1. Don’t Engage in the Drama
Flying monkeys thrive on your reaction. They want you to argue, explain, or defend yourself—it gives them ammunition to take back to the narcissist. Don’t give them that power.
Keep responses short and factual.
If they push, simply say, “I’m not discussing this with you.”
2. Cut Off the Narcissist’s Access
Flying monkeys can’t operate without information. Limit what you share with mutual acquaintances, and make sure your boundaries are firm.
Consider blocking the narcissist and their flying monkeys from your social media.
Avoid sharing personal updates with anyone who might pass the information along.
3. Build Your Support Network
Flying monkeys aim to isolate you, so counteract this by surrounding yourself with people who truly have your back.
Lean on trusted friends or family members who understand the situation.
Seek support from a therapist or online communities focused on narcissistic abuse recovery.
4. Recognize Their Motivations
Not all flying monkeys are malicious. Some are simply being manipulated by the narcissist. Others might be opportunistic or drama-seeking. Understanding their motives can help you decide how to handle them.
If they’re clueless, you can choose to educate them (if it feels safe).
If they’re complicit, cut ties and move on.
5. When to Walk Away
There’s only so much you can do to manage flying monkeys. If their behavior is causing ongoing harm, it’s okay to step away completely—even if they’re family or lifelong friends.
Walking away isn’t weakness; it’s self-preservation. The narcissist and their flying monkeys may try to paint you as the villain, but that doesn’t make it true. Stay focused on your own healing and remember: you’re not responsible for their behavior.
Final Thoughts
Flying monkeys are one of the narcissist’s most effective tools for manipulation. They keep the drama alive, make you doubt yourself, and often leave you feeling powerless. But you are powerful.
By recognizing their tactics and setting firm boundaries, you can take control of your narrative and protect your peace. The narcissist may always have their flying monkeys, but they don’t have to have you. Take your power back, one boundary at a time.
Ready to break free from the cycle of manipulation? Join our private Facebook group, Resilient & Rising, where you’ll find support, strategies, and a community that understands.
